The Conditioning The first time I was called evil I was preschool age. A Baptist preacher who lived on my block held a mini Sunday school on the sidewalk for all the kids in the neighborhood. I remember each week he isolated me to “prove” how bad I was. He would give me assignments that I was supposed to complete over the coming week. He literally put the fear of god into me telling me if I were to have an adult help me I would go to hell. These assignments were impossible for me to handle at such a young age. They included memorizing bible passages but I could not yet read. His belief that I was evil was because to him and his religion the mind was evil and even though I couldn’t read or write I could form an opinion and communicate. I could express thoughts that were above my age comprehension. As I grew up I continued to be isolated and viewed differently because of the way I spoke and the beliefs I had. Many times I would be viewed as "cute" and laughed at when I had what to me was a profound realization. Even though I was told over and over again that my mind was too much I never felt cute or evil. I felt connected. I lived with God. I spent a small period of time in catholic school and I made the mistake of telling these kids about my visions and encounters with the dead. Bad idea! As much as I hated being “different” I truly thought they were the weird ones. Even as a child I could not understand how people looked for God from outside sources. I couldn't understand that they weren't making the same connections to spirit that I was. It seemed so natural and in a way obvious. However the drilling kept coming. The world wanted me to think it was impossible for me to see the things I saw, hear the things I heard and feel the things I felt. I was too young to have such profound understandings. Voice after voice
“you’re crazy” “How could you know that” “I don’t believe you” I even made people cry and walk away from me when I saw things about them that were private. I didn't have the understanding that what I perceived as helping they perceived as exposing. No matter how much they tried to convert me or rid me of the demon inside; I wasn’t going to change. After years of studying metaphysics and religion with my mom and then at the Sanctuary of Peace and Harmony, I put myself in a corner. I felt I understood who I was but I still didn't think others would so I hid. I hid who I was for almost 20 years, the best I could, while I played house. I wanted to live in "make believe" for awhile and escape the voices. However they never went away and the more I was reminded that my spirituality was bullshit the angrier I got. Throughout many years of marriage over and over again I was reminded that it was all bullshit and while I laughed it off on the outside I was raging on the inside.
The Unraveling The anger was the me inside begging to come out. However I still had some more observing today do. For these 20 some years, while I sat in shackles, I watched how the world worked around me. I watched the words they used. The words that said the same things as me. I watched how they received information and I learned how to communicate, how to be me in a world that wasn't ready 20 years earlier. I also watched as more and more people started to accept the idea of who I was while I still hid. I saw others start to emerge and I finally knew I was ready. God also knew it was time and he had to make the world burn around me in order for me to rise from the ashes. Everything that I had created to keep a wall around me was fast crumbling. Of course I had years of trauma to undo and as the healing crisis consumed me I yelled out in horror. I blamed, I cried, I hurt, I bled, I acted out like a teenage girl, I medicated. I did everything I could to subside the pain as the tearing of reality took over. On the outside I believe it looked like a quick crash and burn however it was a brutal 10 years. Not only did the world burn around me, the veil was also lifted. I could see beyond the avatar I had created and how it was all unraveling.
I started to gather the information that I observed for 20 years. My two masters degrees and 15 years in education. I resurrected the knowledge I was born with and that I studied in my teen years. I began to marry the two together. I began to see how the Law of Attraction and the Reticular Activation System work together. I began to see that mirror neurons and being an empath are directly related.
After I was done destroying my world, the white picket fence, the career, the pop culture expectations, I began to speak again. It was not an easy task to allow my natural abilities to surface and to allow myself close to source energy again. However, it was a magnetic pull inside of me I could not escape. Once again I found myself studying. This time I studied yoga and relearned things I had studied 30 years ago. I made new connections and began the healing process. I saw the world around me become ready for their own unraveling while I saw others who were already part of the resurrection. No longer was I living in a world that viewed me as evil, cute or purely full of shit. I saw that my beliefs were being exposed on a bigger level and so was I.
Today the world where spirituality is bullshit is falling further and further away. The truth behind religious bullshit is finally being exposed and those of us who were hiding are coming back into the light. Today the world burns for many people. Political, religious and cultural structures are crumbling and it is a glorious thing. The world is in a healing crisis. Some of us will rise. While others will remain in the dark. A world divided that will never again collide. Some of us will walk between worlds. Today I finally get to teach what I was always meant to teach. Today some of you are ready to walk between the two worlds.
A deeper look in to my conditioning and shadow self can be found in my book The Beast on Amazon. While the unraveling and part of the resurrection can be found in Letters from the Beast on Amazon by Stefani Michelle. The Feast, living a life of Joy, where we once again get to enjoy the fruits of Eden is currently being written.